So many things that we have been through, yet what does it all add up too? How can you use the word love when your actions clearly display that the only person you are concerned with is yourself. How can you kiss me on the face and call me your queen and behind my back treat me as if I am nothing but the court jester? I have been through harder things in my life which gives me a great perspective on the situation we face…

See I love you with all of my being and I always have, yet, I cannot allow you to use that to use me as a doormat. Do you really feel remorse for your actions or remorse for this selfish person you have become, or are you mad that I am a little too intelligent for you and you are not able to get away with the bullshit you try and pull…

For the first time ever I saw an ugly emptiness in your eyes, you weren’t sorry and you don’t care, but why is that??? Is it because you have pulled some bullshit before, and after a brief argument it went away… so now you think if you ignore the situation at hand now that in a couple days everything will be back to normal? Unfortunately, by your actions and then the actions that followed your ill-intended selfish ways I see through all the words that would normally sound good.

Here is the thing, no matter how much I may love you I know that I deserve someone that can be honest with me and that puts nothing above me. So here it is, what are you willing to do to make it right, cause the way I see it is any man that thinks he deserves me would jump through a hoop of fire to prove a point or walk on hot coals for two miles to have me in their arms…

I will no apologize and I will not say I am wrong and that is because I am not and I have had no blame in this situation other than being innocently taken advantage of… You have no idea the mountains you have to move to fix this huge pile of shit that sits in front of you…. so I am waiting, but it’s time you get on the ball.

Okay, so yesterday’s feedback on the post was unreal. So after I stared receiving Facebook messages and tweets I added the Donate button. I think my post may have also inspired a special friend in my life as she tried to forgive and receive forgiveness from someone. Never did I think about that, about the level of love and forgiveness that is entangled with this situation and trying to raise a little money to make sure that I have a real family holiday.

I realized how many beautiful and supporting friends I have and that keeps a huge smile on my face! As I sat there and was thinking about how this would turn out I did a little math and was surprised to see that if I got everyone of my Facebook Friends to donate 50 cents that would give me enough money to cover gas one way. To me that was amazing thinking 50 cents really isn’t much but it could impact me and get me to my family.

So being that I am being supported by my friends in trying to get this together I want to put out there that 50 cents or a dollar really will make a difference in this for me. For those of you that may have missed what is going on be sure to read yesterday’s post. And again that you for all being so awesome and supporting me in a quest to unite with a family that I haven’t had for so long.

Which leaves me with a thought for today… holding grudges really hurts you in the long run. Personal growth takes more strength than being stubborn, so how strong how are you?

Everyone knows that life throws us curve balls all the time. It really isn’t about whether we strike out or not, it is more about how we step up and try to hit that curve ball. My whole life has been filled with curve balls, obstacles and booby traps. But nothing has stopped me yet. I know where there is a will there is a way. I am at a point in my life where I want to build relationships with people I was not really that close with before and I want to change the things about my life that I never liked before. Maybe it’s because I am pushing 30… or maybe it’s because I have spent 29 years of my life with an emptiness when it comes to family life.

So many people can say that they have a dysfunctional family. I mean do any of us really know what constitutes as normal? My mom’s favorite saying was “We put the fun in dysfunction,” isn’t that just something to be proud of? I love my mom, I mean she is my mom. She also has been in prison for about 4 years now. Drugs and Addiction has plagued my family for as long as I can remember. Everyone from my mom to my very own grandmother… I was the lucky one because if you sit around and watch addicts long enough you will do everything in your power to not become one. But how lucky was I, because I was still alone.

I think all of this has made me stronger than I ever could have imagined. Times have changed and so have the people in my family. Some still struggle with the same addictions. But there are a few that have changed. The one person I was the closet too was my aunt, she is only 4 years older than me and we grew up like sisters, sharing a room. I always looked up to her and wanted to be just like her. Awhile back we got into it and hadn’t talked for several years…  until now. Again drugs played a huge part in this. Now she has been clean and working really hard on being the awesome person she has always been deep down. We talk just about every day, and we skype… I try to be strong for her when she is weak and I am glad we are close again.

My mom is still in prison, I love her despite all the wrong she did to me and put me through directly, face it we only get one mom. We write a lot and I can only hope 5 years of prison in your late 40′s will be enough for someone to change their life. My grandmother, this is a little more difficult for me. My mom was the first child born to my grandmother, and when my mom was born she was only 19, so she was given up to my great grandmother. Now my great grandmother was always my grandma to me. She loved and spoiled me… she was all I needed. My grandmother was always around for awhile my mom and I lived in her house. We were not close. I always called her by her first name, Carloyn. Honestly I still do. Drugs were also a part of her life all the way up until the times I was in my early 20′s.

Of course this has changed she has changed. Drugs are no longer a part of her life. She recently turned 70. I talked to her for the first time in about 6 years. She has never met either of her great grandchildren, my daughters. She also is not in the best health. She seemed so happy to talk to me, which I don’t think I can ever say I had felt loved by her until that moment. My aunt says she always talks about how proud she is of me, which is something I have never been used too.

I decided that I want to go down to Ft. Lauderdale this Christmas and have a holiday with my family, honestly it has been more than 15 years since I had spent time with them for the holidays. Something inside of me has realized it is so very important for me and my children to do this. I have run into a huge obstacle and that is the cost of rhis trip. I will have to get a room for me and the kids because there isn’t room in her house for us to stay since they had to downsize, and Ft. Lauderdale at Christmas isn’t cheap.

I feel like this is something that I HAVE to do. I have asked friends about this and they said raise money and do whatever I can, I have even considered placing a donate button here on the blog… before I do that I would love to hear feedback from everyone. I know that anything will help and I am trying to save whatever I can, because for all I know this could be her last Christmas!

As always I appreciate sharing and venting to  my friends and followers!

I have been taken over with the fact that I am going on vacation in an hour and 50 minutes. I have neglected the blog a little between preparing for vacation and school work… and of course kids and life I have been a little slack. Although I am about to do one thing that hasn’t been done in awhile, rejuvenate myself and enjoy the simple things in life. I do hope to share these things with you, and although my posts may not be long, I want to share my get-a-way with those they may not get one at the moment.

I plan to wake up before the sunrise tomorrow morning and head to the beach to get some awesome pictures and a little meditation and morning yoga, followed by a day in the sun, listening to all the sounds of the beach! I hope that you will enjoy whatever little thoughts I share over the next couple of days… they may be just a quote. Embrace every word for it’s meaning and realize we are only prisoners to our own actions.

“Fate is the force that interferes with our lives, wrecking things at the worst moments. Yet what we call fate is nothing more than the consequences of our own actions.”   DEND MING DAO

I try to live right but it’s a never ending fight.

I am more alive than I have ever been, no matter what I feel pushed and I am there again.

My chest gets tight and it becomes another mental fight.

It’s the battle of good and evil, battlefield inside my heart, evil starts tearing the good apart.

I get so mad, ready to blow,

My mind starts racing, someone has got to go!

My ears are steaming,

My fists are balled,

Thinking of the names that I’ve been called.

Where is the wisdom, where is the thought?

Why on my own path is suffering my fault?

We all stress about something. It doesn’t matter  who we are there is going to be a time that we stress! Whether it be family issues, money, job or something else there is always going to be that one thing that just has the ability to get under our skin and eat us up from the inside out. The thing with stress is if there is a problem that is causing you to be stressed out 9 times out of 10 you are not going to be able to make the issue completely disappear, so then what do you do? The answer to that is to use coping mechanisms. There are things other than medications and just pulling your hair out that will help you through!!

So next time you feel like you just can’t take it try one or two of these things:

1. Meditation

2. Music – Did you know that music triggers the body’s endorphins  that eases stress and improves blood flow?

3. Take a walk or exercise

4. Journal or Write

5. Let it out, talk, laugh or cry

6. Do something you enjoy – a hobby will ease the tension!

7. Yoga

Any of these easy things will help to alleviate stress. I personally use several of these and I can notice a difference. Why would you not give it a shot? Stressing is not healthy and if we do it too much and try to not fix it, it can actually shorten our lives. Life is too short as it is, live life to the fullest and enjoy it!

How do you cope with stress worksheet

Interactive Stress Test

Everyday we do things we enjoy. But in our Western culture we have so much going on that we don’t realize that in a daily basis there are many things that we do that we like. We think more or less about the things that are chores such as working, taking kids to school, having to clean the house, do laundry and any other task we can shove into our day.

I think that people would feel better about their lives if they acknowledged the things that they love. In a sea of to do lists we do not think of that which leaves our lives feeling mediocre. So today on this great Saturday, my day off I am going to share a small list of things that I will do that I enjoy with every bit of my being. Although some things are small, appreciating them and knowing that I am blessed to be able to do things I like will fill my life with more purpose and happiness.

1. Admiring the clouds as I drive down the road

2. Listening to my favorite song in the car

3. Cooking a meal (love to cook!!)

4. Taking a picture of something beautiful

5. Having a great conversation with my kids

6. Talking to a friend on the phone

7. Receiving a smile from a stranger

8. Sitting here Blogging

9. Interacting with friends on FB/Twitter

10. Enjoying nature whenever I am outside (whether it’s hot as shit or not )

So make your short list today and enjoy every moment you can!

The answer is yes! Before I go any further I am going to expand on this a little. During the FaceBook thread some men went on to say that women were crazy bitches. So on the topic of assholes and crazy bitches I will let you know just how I feel…

The fact of the matter is that Billy is right. I don’t disagree with one thing that he brought into light. Before you say, “huh” hear me out. First off you must realize that just about every woman you talk to has asked where the nice/good guys are. But all and all we don’t want a nice guy. Yet men call women crazy, they can say they are a bitch and they can inevitably argue, “I am looking for a good girl,” because they are sick of “crazy women.”  Yet what they don’t understand that it is a circle of life. The nice girls are pretty much endangered heading to extinction and the nice guys are in the same boat, but why?

Just as Billy said nice guys reverted to assholes because they saw what worked with women. And for the occasional good girl, they got mixed up with that asshole and it turned them out.  Now I am not going to say that that nice guy can’t meet that good girl, but when that happens and they live their good and nice life it never becomes more that meritocracy. How many people do you know that wants to live a boring mediocre life?

But here is the thing women like assholes, why, because that bad boy persona oozes confidence, adventure, challenge and masculinity! It is a challenge to take that asshole and make him your man. It’s like taming a wild Tiger to be your house pet. Some girls are able to do it, while other girls fail miserably. What happens to that girl that tries but ends up failing? She is hurt and she is the one wondering where all the good guys are. Yet, she ends up with another asshole… and she starts turning into a crazy bitch. That’s right, she learns that the only way to get that asshole’s attention for more than a booty call is to let him know that you’re not going to walk all over me, you are going to respect me and if you don’t I will show your ass! This girl will be the one that when she catches you slipping she doesn’t think twice about getting in your face and throwing down, and then you have this man, the one that has trampled over more females that a wild bull running through the streets of Spain, stunned! What is it about her? All of a sudden he is feeling things he hasn’t felt before. Why is that? I will tell you why, it’s because all those good girls or average women that walked all over didn’t demand respect and didn’t look you in the eye to let you know that your gender doesn’t mean anything, if you don’t treat her the way that she knows she deserves to be treated then guess what you will be the one standing there holding a Kleenex, or wondering what she is doing since your relationship failed.

Yes ladies, every asshole can be tamed, but it takes a real crazy bitch too do it. And that is ok because in the cycle of those nice guys we pushed away and put in the friend zone that then became an asshole to get noticed, well they ultimately hurt a handful of women, maybe in their mind it was a sweet revenge. But those women maybe 6 out of 10 flourish into beautiful creatures, the ones that learn to take no shit and the ones that become said crazy bitches. Three of the 10 well they become the damaged girls that will go through the same cycle with the assholes, those exact girls that ask what happened to the nice guys, and although they say they want a nice guy they continuously allow the assholes to use and abuse them. Then there is that one girl out of 10 that bounces back and remains to be a good girl… she finds that good guy and they live a life of niceness, neither one really is happy but they make it work and live in meritocracy.

The moral of the story is this yes women have made many men into assholes and in turn men have created the crazy bitches we are today. As a woman if you can take the pain and turn it into strength then you will find one of those assholes and you will flip his world upside down. If you become one of those whiney women always looking for a good guy, you will always be looking cause quite frankly if you can’t respect yourself, no man will ever respect your ass either! And for that good girl that finds that good guy you will have a house, a picket fence, a couple kids, a Volvo… and unfortunately that good guy you are with will get bored with your “goodness” and he will probably start banging his secretary because good is boring, but crazy keeps it new and fresh!

 

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that’s alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that’s alright because I love the way you lie”

Ok so this is something different…

This topic came up on a facebook thread today and it was a very good topic and I started thinking it would be great for this blog. I have my stand point on this and you better believe your ass that I will let you know how I feel about it, but not yet! Welcoming for the first time, but definitely not the last, one of my best friends, Billy Baldwin. He is our first guest writer to the Life is Art Blog. Beware he is a man, so women realize that he is blunt with his perspective and like me, he is real.

I must say before we go into this topic (because there is no hitting the breaks on this one) I do agree with many points that he makes, yet I have been told one too many times that I can think like a man.

Growing up in South Carolina and being raised by my grandmother I was inevitably bred to be a gentleman.  While I still retain some of the qualities of kindness distilled in me being raised in this manner such as holding doors for elderly ladies, saying yes ma’am and no ma’am, and loving little kittens and puppies and such, I can say without reservation that I am the embodiment of an asshole; Selfish, rude, narcissistic, generally emotionally cold, and hardheaded.  Do I portray these traits in every aspect of my life?  No of course not.  I’m an asshole, not a caveman.  However there is one particular facet that I apply all of the rhetoric associated with being that guy that can just be a real dick sometimes;  Women.  Why apply this deprivation of decency to the female gender?  Let us just call it a tribute to the ladies that helped create the man I am today.

Some men are born assholes, most are given the title through an evolution of events that is so common it is perceived as much a rite of passage into manhood as seeing your first porno or having your first beer.  That, my friends, is being used for your kindness with the bargaining chip of your heart.  Now I’m not here to get mushy about that girl you liked who hooked up with that guy that shoved your head in a toilette right after you handed her the homework she asked you to do or the one who broke your heart because one day she suddenly lost interest in dating you and suddenly gained interest in the entire football team.  No, I am here simply to explain the simple process of this evolution and call out the women who wonder where all the nice guys have gone.   So if you want that nice guy listen up!

First let me introduce him, although I am pretty sure you know him already.  He was that guy that would hang out with you when everyone else was busy even though he was the last resort for you to call.  He was the guy who brought you flowers when you were sick and sat with you just so you didn’t have to be alone.  He was the guy you always knew you could count on but was always too busy for.  He is the guy that was perpetually sacrificed to the “friend zone” because he didn’t have that edge, otherwise known as treating you like shit when he got what he wanted.  Do you remember him ladies?  I bet you do!

So where is he at today?  Well if I had to bet he is probably out getting laid.  Why? Well despite popular opinion the male species are not complete Neanderthals and can be intelligent.  We observe and learn.  We evolve to fit better with our environment and needs.  We learn that fire is hot, so we don’t touch it.  We learn that exercise is good for us, so we do it.  We learn that the guys who get the girls are assholes, so we become one.  So what’s the best part? IT WORKS!  Because regardless of what you say actions prove that 95% of women will still put the nice guy in the friend zone and the bad boy in their bed.  So where have all the nice guys gone?  They were phased out because they were tired of being taken advantage of, tired of being put aside, and tired of it not being there turn.

I can tell you from personal experience that the more a girl thinks I’m an asshole the easier it is to get what I want and the nicer they think I am the quicker I’m boarding the celibacy train to Friend Zone Station.  Sure I have the ability to be nice and will be sometimes.  We all have innate good and evil within our capabilities.  And face it no one wants to be an asshole all the time.  So here I am and there they are; the nice boys who became assholes because the girls wanted it and we wanted them.  You can try to deny it but you know who you are looking for when you go out to scratch that itch, don’t you?  But if you really do want a nice guy there is a very simple solution.  Either you invent a time machine so that you can go back to “that guy” who was always so nice to you before your head is so far up your ass it’s too late to do anything about it and appreciate him for who he is or you can simply stop being so arrogant that you think because you have that thing between your legs you can treat nice guys like puppies.  Most importantly you can quit kidding yourself and everyone else and realize that the assholes you hate but inevitably end up loving, the men who end up hurting you, are the very products of your own selfish idiocy.

Part 2 : To be continued…

I really didn’t know what to write about today. I am dragging (well it is Monday) and I haven’t really been feeling over joyed or inspirational. I thought about what I could talk about and then I said well maybe I will figure it out when I got home. Then I started to think about this as I was reading a book that is supposed to teach me how to use photo shop elements. As I was reading along I thought,”you know I love photography but there is so much to learn!”

It’s a hobby and I would love for one day it to be more, so I teach myself. What other options are there? I mean I don’t have the time or the money right now to just go take some random photography class, yet I would love that… so the next best thing is to teach myself. I tend to google and look stuff up online and read alot. Thinking about this made me think of those out there that like the idea of something but say they “can’t” do it or “won’t” do it because they don’t know how. What type of excuse is that? Did you know how to walk and talk when you were born, NO!!

Why be afraid to take that jump and learn something new? Why are people afraid of what they don’t know. If we were born with this fear imagine what it would be like to teach our children how to do all the essential things if they were scared of everything that wasn’t innate. As we get older we long to have a hobby or do something that has always interested us, yet there is this fear that floats around us when we realize we would have to learn it. For example, I love photography, I always liked taking pictures, so I decided I wanted to get serious, yes sometimes I get frustrated trying to learn and teach myself… yet when I had two of my photos sell at an art auction I was thrilled.

I guess what I am trying to say in a very messy and scatter-brained way is that if you don’t know how to do something what is keeping you from learning how too? This is for those that have dreams and do not have the nerve to step up to the plate because they doubt themselves somewhere deep down in side, you have made it this far… keeping learning and keep experiencing!